Beckett's 30 Day Tumblr Challenge
by katieupatree
Summary: 30 days, 30 questions, 30 answers. A challenge that will test the courage of Kate Beckett, destroying forever her ornately woven mask of hidden feelings and false truths. Post Always and Caskett centric. DAY THIRTY: What have the past thirty days taught you – what have you discovered, what have you learnt?
1. Day One

Hello everyone.

I just wanted to take a minute to explain the concept of this story..  
I was updating my tumblr challenge earlier this afternoon, and I couldn't rid myself of the idea that it was something that could be used for fanfiction. So, I decided to write my own challenge (it didn't seem right to use one already in existence), and then to write each answer from Beckett's point of view. I thought that 30 Days was a good number to keep to, as 365 always seems like such a daunting prospect.

For anyone who doesn't know what a tumblr challenge is, it is a set of questions posted by someone on tumblr, which are then answered (one each day) by anyone who wants to be involved in the challenge.

If you would like to know the questions, I have posted the list on my fanfic profile.

**Disclaimer: All characters are belonging to their rightful owners, I am simply borrowing them for a little while.**

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**Day One  
Introduce yourself (start with your name, it gets easier after that) Tell us who you are, and why you're taking part in our 30 day challenge?**

I'm Kate - Katherine really, but it never did quite suit me. I turned 31 this year, which may seem a little old for someone taking part in a tumblr challenge, but I promise to explain my reasons to you all very soon.

Up until almost two months ago, I was an NYPD homicide detective, and that is all I ever thought that I would be. And then something happened to me (something that I wish I could tell you about, but it is still a part of an active case, so I am legally prevented from discussing the details). What I can tell you is that I was selfish and reckless in the decisions that I made, and that it almost killed me. I nearly died, for not the first time in far too short a time, and I suddenly realised that I didn't even recognise the life that I was leading. I didn't know why I was doing my job, because it certainly wasn't for the victims anymore; and if you aren't doing it for them, then should you really be doing it at all? So, I handed in my badge and my gun, and walked out of my precinct determined to never look back.

Now it has been almost eight weeks, and that determination is wavering a little.

I should be happy. I have escaped the life that was certain to destroy me. I have a man who loves me more than I ever imagined possible, and whom I love back with all my heart. I have my Dad. I have my friends. I have everything that I wanted; everything that I was hoping for when I resigned. But I am still not certain that I have found happiness.  
I miss my job. I miss going to bed at night and knowing that I am making a difference in the world. I miss the thrill of it all, the adrenaline rushing through my veins and the pounding of my heart against my chest. I miss having a purpose in life.

I suppose that is why I am here. I am in the pursuit of happiness.

My resignation is not made official until next month (due to some very dull and dreary technicalities that I won't bore you with), so I have up until then to decide if resignation is definitely what I want.  
Everyone who I love has told me that it is my decision; that they are with my either way, that I need to base my decision purely on what I want.  
But I have absolutely no idea what I want. And I equally have absolutely no idea on how to discover what it is that I want.

I have been seeing a psychiatrist for over a year now; at first it was a mandatory part of my job, but I soon came to realise that perhaps I needed him more than I had been willing to admit. I told him in a session we had a couple of weeks ago that I was starting to doubt my decision; that maybe I had acted in the heat of the moment, and now I'm not sure if it is really what I want.  
We've spoken a lot about it, but I am yet to find myself any closer to a decision. He suggested today that I start this challenge (apparently it is something that has worked with his other patients), and despite my protests that it seemed like some silly quiz I would have taken in High School, I trust my Doctor enough to know that he would only suggest something to me if he thought that it might help.

So, here I am, writing to strangers on the internet in the vain hope that it will somehow unscramble my mind enough for me to come to a decision about what I want out of the rest of my life.  
I know, ridiculous isn't it. But, right now, it's all that I have; and honestly, I am willing to try anything.

If you have any questions, I am more than happy to answer them. I have been tasked with being as open and honest as I possibly can be, so please feel free to be as personal as you like.  
Other than that, I guess I will be seeing you all tomorrow.

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To be continued..

*****I have a couple of questions for you*****

1. This is not the type of story that I have ever written before, nor have I read many that are similar to it, so I would greatly appreciate your feedback on whether or not it is something that you would be interested in reading? I won't take offence if you think it is an awful idea, I'd just like to know before I write too much of it :)

2. One point of tumblr is that people are able to post the answers to the questions that they receive, but obviously fanfic is a totally different format to that. But, I have an idea on how to get around this..  
If anyone had a question that they would like to ask Beckett (as in the Beckett of this story) then they could send it to me in a review/pm and I will have a story running alongside this one which is made up of the questions/answers.  
Good idea, or is it just a bit silly?

I am very sorry for rambling, but please drop me an answer if you get five minutes to do so.  
It would honestly mean the world to me.  
And I promise to keep the author's notes much shorted from now on.

Thank you for reading,  
Katie


	2. Day Two

Hello everyone.  
I just wanted to quickly thank you for all the interest that you have shown this story; I honestly wasn't expecting it at all, so thank you all so much.

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**Day Two  
Your hopes and dreams?  
**

I find this to be a very difficult question to answer, for the simple reason that it is something that I haven't even thought about since I was a teenager.

When you're young, you are so filled with hopes and dreams that they almost become too much to bear; the future seems so wonderful that you can hardly stand to think of it.  
I remember a homework assignment we were given when I was fourteen; we had to choose the one thing that we most wanted out of life, our greatest dream, and then present it to the rest of the class. And it was honestly the hardest assignment that I had ever been given. I just couldn't pick my one thing. I wanted so many things that the idea of having to choose one, it was literally impossible.  
I must have spent a week agonising over what I was going to do, and at the end of it was still no closer to an answer. So, I went to my Dad for a little help, and everything suddenly made sense again. After what felt like hours of talking to him about what I was going to write for the presentation, he told me to not write anything at all. He gave me hug, wiped my eyes (yes, there were tears by this point), and whispered in my ear that he had never been so proud of me. He told me to dream big; to dream about the entire world, because it was mine if I wanted it.  
And that is what I did. I was the girl with a thousand dreams of the future; each one utterly contradictory, and all the better for it. I stood in front of my English class with more confidence than I had ever felt before, and I told them that; I told them that I wanted the entire world, that I wanted it all. And my goodness did I believe it.

Now, I'm not even sure if I remember what it is to dream. I keep looking back to that teenage girl, and I realise that I don't even recognise her anymore. I think that she would be very disappointed with me. Not with the way that my life had turned out; surprised, perhaps. But not disappointed. No, she would be disappointed with how I have turned out. I don't dream anymore. I don't lay in bed at night unable to sleep because of the pure hopefulness that I have for my life. I doubt that she would even know her future self.

Please don't take what I am saying to be a complaint about my life, because it really isn't.  
My life is wonderful, but all of its wonder comes from the people that are a part of it. From the man whom I love, and his beautiful family who have made me feel so welcomed into their lives. From my Dad, who never gave up on the little girl crying in his arms because she wanted too much from life to quite understand. From my friends who are so much a part of my life that I consider them all to be family. For these people, I am eternally grateful.  
But, I have lost the wonder that I used to see within myself. I don't know who I am, and I don't know what I want; which sort of makes me nothing at all. I was a detective for so long, and before that all I thought about was becoming a detective, and before that my life was entirely lived for the police academy, that now I'm not really sure of I am supposed to dream of anything else.  
I just know that somewhere along the way I stopped wishing for the entire world, and that scares me.

But you wanted to know what my hopes and dreams are, and so far all I have told you is what they are not. So, here goes...

_I hope, with every fibre of my being, that I can once again find my capacity to dream._

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__To be continued..

*****Just a quick note to say that I do intend to write a companion story to this one, which will act as a question/answer conversation with Beckett (just as would happen if this were really posted on Beckett's tumblr page).

So, if you have any questions for Beckett, please send them to me (either by review, or personal message).  
They don't have to be purely based upon the challenge; anything goes when it comes to tumblr, and the same is to be said here.  
Anonymous questions are more than welcome :)*****

Katie xx


	3. Day Three

Hello everyone.

Don't worry, there isn't a rambling author's note this time.  
I'm just taking a moment to say thank you for reading this, and that I hope you enjoy the update.

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**Day Three  
Something that makes you happy?**

I think that, as a whole, we find it far easier to cling desperately to the sadness and anger that we feel, rather than allowing ourselves to revel in the happiness that can be found in the simplest of places.  
Personally, I don't think that I have ever just taken a moment to think about all of the things in my life that make me truly happy, and I am very grateful to this challenge for making me do so.

But, despite a list of happiness compiled in my head long enough to fill an entire novel, I would like to dedicate this answer to the one person who has made me so incredibly happy that I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not dreaming. To the man who I believe wholeheartedly to be the love of my life. To my partner, in every sense of the word. To Richard Castle.

Tomorrow will mark the two month anniversary of our relationship; a brief and fleeting time out of the years that we have already spent together.  
I have loved Castle for a very long time, and I have been in love with him for almost as long, but it was an emotion that I found too terrifying to admit. It was in the face of death that I found the courage to do so, and these past two months have been so much more than I ever imagined possible. Castle is my love, and my life, and my happiness.

I will be the first to admit that the past eight weeks haven't always been the fairytale ideal of love and happily ever after, but that isn't something that I have ever desired.  
Castle and I have a history far too complicated to even fully comprehend, let alone explain, but I would like for you to understand that we have both caused each other a lot of pain in the past; pain that at times has felt utterly unforgivable. That is what makes us so strong, so solid and sure of our relationship. We have hurt each other. We have hurt ourselves. But we made it through; we learnt to forgive, and we found a way to slowly gain back the trust that we lost.  
Relationships are messy, and people's feelings do get hurt; so why do we all keep searching for them? It's because the rewards are so much greater than anything else in this entire world; to be the loved and to be the lover, believe me when I say that nothing else even comes close to the happiness that it brings.

I wake up every morning, cuddled tight against the strong expanse of Castle's chest, and I thank the hazy sunshine for the five minutes that it allows us to spend together; for the soft kisses and languid hugs, for the whispered conversations and love filled endearments. For the secret moments that are just for us, before the world dares to interrupt.  
That, to me, is happiness.

So, here is to the most wonderful, kind hearted, sensitive, protective, childish, imaginative, and quite often infuriating man that I have ever had the pleasure of knowing; and to the lifetime that I hope to spend with him.

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To be contined..

Please let me know what you thought, all feedback (good or bad) is greatly appreciated.

And send in any questions that you have for Beckett!  
The question/answer story is up (I've already had a couple to answer, so take a look if you're not sure what to ask).  
The story is called **Enquires**,and can of course be found on my fanfic profile.

Thank you again,  
Katie xx


	4. Day Four

**Day Four  
Something that makes you sad?**

It makes me sad to think of all the time that I have wasted; the years of happiness that I could have been experiencing if it wasn't for my own cowardice.  
There have been times in my life when the only things that I have been physically and mentally capable of feeling was pain, and grief, and heartache, but there have also been times when those are the only things that I would allow myself to feel. Times when I could have been so much more that I let myself be; times when I could have experienced so much more than I did.

Looking back, I do not feel sadness and regret for the state of mind that I found myself in after my Mother's death, as it was a time in my life that I had absolutely no control over; I did not choose for it to happen, and I did not choose the emotions that followed in the weeks and months after.  
What makes me sad, is knowing that I allowed myself to be buried under the despair that I felt for far longer than was natural to me; for longer than I needed in order to heal. For the years spent hiding from the life, that, deep down, I knew that I wanted to be living, but was too scared to even try.

I have seen what addiction can do to a person, the empty void that is left in the wake of a once strong and beautiful human being. And yet I was blind to the addiction raging within my own body, to the control that it had over my entire life, and the affect that it was having those who I claimed to love and care for. I was addicted to the pain, and the grief, and the heartache. I lived for it; because of it.  
I wasted years of my life, and the lives of those around me, desperately clinging to the desperation that I had let define me. And it is that what makes me sad.

If I may, I would like to offer you all a little advice that I wish I had allowed myself to understand years ago.  
I know that it isn't always an easy thing to do, but you have to make sure that you are living your lives for the right reasons; for the reasons that will, when you look back in years to come, fill you with happiness and pride. And if you doubt, even for a second, the way that your life is turning out, then you make damn sure that you do everything in your power to change it. Be brave, and be bold, and be courageous. Be everything that you can be, and strive to be even more. Be the person who you dreamed of being when you were six, when the only things that scared you were the monsters under your bed, and not those living inside your head. Be yourself. Be afraid, but don't let that fear stop you. Be open and accepting of love in all its forms. _Be happy._

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To be continued..

Please let me know what you think?  
Reviews, good or bad, are honestly the best inspiration in the world.

& keep sending in your questions to Beckett! They are just so much fun to answer.

Thank you for reading,  
Katie xx


	5. Day Five

**Day Five  
Someone you trust?**

It took me a long time to decide upon the person who I wanted to dedicate this question to, and that is because of all the truly wonderful people who are a part of my life. So, I would just like to take a moment to mention those who are most important to me, those who are so very deserving of my trust.  
To my Dad, who has lost so much, and yet is still able to love so openly. To Kevin Ryan and Javier Esposito, who are the greatest detectives that I have ever had the pleasure of working with, and the honour of calling my friends. To Captain Gates of The 12th Precinct, who has taught me the trust can be found in even the most unlikely of places. To Martha and Alexis, who have welcomed me into their family with far more love than I am deserving of. And to Castle, who is the love of my life.  
But looking over all of the years that we have spent together, and all that we have been through, there is really only one person who this question belongs to; and that is my beautiful best friend, Lanie Parish.

I have always found it difficult to trust other people, but Lanie makes it effortless. I have never, even for a second, doubted my trust in her, and I don't believe that I ever will. She is one of those incredibly rare and utterly wonderful people who have within them the ability to make the world a better place simply by being a part of it. Everything is better when I am with Lanie; I am better.

We have all heard a thousand times people saying that they would trust someone with their lives; but as heart warming as that sentiment is, few people are ever put in a situation that requires it to become a reality. I have been through such a thing with Lanie, and I cannot find words enough to express my gratitude for the part that my best friend once played in saving my life.  
I was shot last year by a man who has made it his mission to kill me, and without Lanie I honestly believe that he would have succeeded. She kept my heart beating with not only her skill and professionalism, but with the love and the passion and the fear that she put into it. My memories of the day are not quite complete; but I do know that, through a force I cannot comprehend, it was her life that kept me alive.

Lanie has been witness to the worst parts of my life, and the greatest moments too, and she has been firmly by my side through every second of it. I trust her with everything that I am, and with everything that I one day hope to be. I know that whatever happens in the future, we will always have each other.

I love you, Lanie. You really are the best friend that anyone could ever have, and I am so lucky to have you.

* * *

To be continued..

I'm sorry for not updating this yesterday, I didn't get home in time to do so.  
I will add day five and six today so not to change from the 30 days that I am aiming to have this written in.

Please let me know what you thought?  
And send in any questions that you have for Beckett ..the response to **Enquires **(questions/answers) was so much more than I expected, but the only way that I can update it is through your questions :)

Thank you for reading,  
Katie


	6. Day Six

**Day Six  
Someone you love (romance is welcomed, just keep it PG)?**

This question is, of course, dedicated to the man who has held my heart for far longer than he even realises. A man who you have already heard an awful lot about, and who is seemingly set to make an appearance in every answer of this challenge. My partner, my friend, and my greatest love; my Richard Castle.

In many ways I do view him as _my _Richard Castle_, _but probably not in the ways that most of you are expecting.  
He is mine not as a tangible possession, but rather through the ethereal force of the love that binds us so perfectly together. I am allowed an insight into the parts of his heart and soul that are shut away from everyone else in this entire world, and in return he is witness to mine.  
We do not belong to each other, so much as we are a part of each other; two separate people who care so greatly for one another that they have somehow become one. Our lives are irrevocably entwined, and we will always carry a little of the other within our hearts. Because that is, in its very essence, love.

Castle is all that is good, and hopeful, and utterly surprising about this world, perfectly knitted together to make up a single human being. He is brave and courageous in ways that I will never be. He has the biggest heart of anyone that I have ever known, and such a truly wonderful capacity to love because of it. He is kind, and generous, and forgiving, and eternally optimistic. He is so very handsome; a little rugged around the edges, and all the more beautiful for it. He has eyes as blue as the deepest oceans, and skin that smells of warm summer nights.  
Richard Castle is, for lack of words enough, everything.

I am so lucky to be a part of his life, and I am so honoured that he chose my shattered and scarred heart to make his own. I am in love.

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To be continued..

I found this update the most difficult of them to answer so far, so I would really appreciate any feedback (good or bad) that you have to offer me?

Thank you for reading,  
Katie


	7. Day Seven

**Day Seven  
It has been a week since you started this challenge, have the past seven days taught you anything?**

When Dr. Burke asked me to complete this challenge, I honestly believed it to be a ridiculous idea, and an utter waste of time, but now I see how greatly mistaken I was. In seven questions I have learnt more about myself than I ever imagined possible through something that at first glance seemed so silly.

I have learnt that it is ok to be scared of the openness that these questions require, as long as you don't allow that fear to prevent you from sharing the truth. I set out to be honest with myself, and the only way to do that is to be honest with all of you as well. It is absolutely terrifying to know that the most intimate sentiments of my heart are available for anyone in the entire world to read; that my life is not the closely guarded secret that I have always liked it to be, and yet there is something sort of wonderful about it too. A strange kind of freedom that I have never felt before.  
Being afraid of something isn't ever a cause for shame; it is as much a part of life as courage and bravery. You just have to take a deep breath, close your eyes, and face your fears before you have a chance to talk yourself out of doing so.

I have learnt that my life is filled with more love and happiness than I ever imagined possible; more goodness than perhaps I deserve. Everyone around me is so special, so extraordinary, and I am so grateful that I have been given the chance to be a part of their lives.  
I used to think that family was all to do with blood lines and shared DNA, but now I see that it hardly matters at all. Of course I love my Dad, and he will always be a huge part of my life; but neither one of us is quite enough for the other, and that is ok. We both have so many people around us to offer their love and care and support, we just have to be willing to accept the wonders that they are offering us.

I have learnt that Castle is slowly becoming more of my life than I even realised; that almost every thought I have somehow finds its way back to the handsome writer who is currently dozing on the sofa beside me. And I have also learnt that this isn't something to be feared, but rather to be cherished. It doesn't matter that I can feel myself clinging to him more and more each day, it isn't a weakness, it's love.  
I love Richard Castle, and not a thing in this entire cold and concrete world is going to stop me from fully enjoying that fact.

I have learnt that I do miss my job, very much. Every time that I write about the precinct, my heart sort of drops a little, like it doesn't quite know how to carry on without the 12th. I miss working with Ryan and Esposito, their boundless enthusiasm for the job that we do, and their practical jokes that make such work bearable. I miss knowing that Lanie is downstairs, and that she is there for the victims just as we are. I miss Castle, sitting in his chair, forever buzzing with conspiracy theories and fantastical storylines. I miss everyone and everything, and yet I still don't know if I can go back.  
Because, is that enough? Is missing my old life a good enough reason to go back to it, or am I simply not seeing the bigger picture? I left because I couldn't do it anymore, because I couldn't find a single reason to stay; surely that is in itself a warning to keep well away?

I suppose that I have learnt that I still have an awful lot left to learn; about myself, and about what I truly want out of life. I just have to keep going; eventually everything will fall into place. It has to.

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To be continued..

Please keep sending in your questions for **Enquires **..questions about Beckett's answers to the tumblr challenge, or simply something that you have always wanted to know :)

Thank you very much for reading,  
Please let me know what you think so far?

Until next time,  
Katie


	8. Day Eight

**Day Eight  
What physical things do you find most attractive about people of the opposite sex?**

I think that the physical traits that first attract you to someone very much depend upon the person, or, at least, that has always been my experience of it. The men whom I have dated in the past have all be quite different to each other, and have all caught my eye for their own reasons.  
The only common ground between them being that electric spark of something you cannot quite name, but that is so utterly evident in the fluttering of your heart and the blushing of your cheeks.

But, as you all know by now, my fluttering heart and blushing cheeks belong entirely to Castle; and so it is only right that this question is used not to tell you of my attraction to men as a whole, but rather to the only man whom I will ever again love.

When I first met Castle he didn't appear before me as the beautiful soul I now know him to be, but rather an inconvenience who I wanted rid of as soon as possible. An inconvenience who just happened to posses the bluest eyes that I had ever before seen, an entire sparkling ocean washing over me as he introduced himself.  
Those eyes, those almost too beautiful to be real eyes, they were my weakness from the very moment that he walked into the 12th, and my goodness did Castle know it. We probably owe a small portion of our relationship to the effect that his eyes had on me that first day; had they not, I might just have been a little more persuasive with my attempts to rid the precinct of Richard Castle.

But it certainly isn't just his exquisitely cerulean eyes that I find so utterly attractive; every single thing about Castle is so endearing, that, really, I never stood a chance.

His hair does this odd little floppy thing that makes running your hands through it utterly impossible to resist; like he is asking you to do just that, begging almost.  
Hands that are forever ink stained, as if it has buried itself deep within the creases of his skin; a testament to the ideas that never stop whirling around his head, begging to be written down, to be set free.  
He wears shirts that fall in all the right places, emphasising the muscles that at first glance you don't notice, but once you have, they are all you can think of. Arms so strong that all you want to do is curl up in them, safe from anything that may come your way. And his trousers, clinging to a bottom that looks almost as good as it feels.  
Then there is his signature scent, as familiar to me as the man to whom it belongs, warm and musky and reminiscent of dark summer nights. Like old leather and sun warmed air, and something that cannot quite be placed, something uniquely Castle.

Castle once told me, in a way so utterly loveable, that he was 'ruggedly handsome', and I don't think that I have the words to find a description better fitting. Everything that he is a little scruffy around the edges, a raggedy man belonging to a far away time, to an age of the romantics. Torn between this life and an ancient past that perhaps he should have been a part of. Beautiful in every way.

* * *

To be continued..

Keep sending in your questions for **Enquiries**, (which can be found on my profile if you have yet to take a look).

Thank you, as always, very much for reading,  
Please let me know what you thought?

Katie


	9. Day Nine

**Day Nine  
What is the point of human life?**

Honestly, I don't believe that any such thing really exists. Human life isn't some tangled web of destiny and ethereal design; it is simply a miraculous act of very clever science. We aren't supposed to be here, we just are. And I think that there is something ornately beautiful in the nothingness of life; something far more wonderful than being on this Earth for a set purpose.  
I don't want to be a part of a destiny that I have no control over, to simply be an insignificant character in a story of greater design. We are all born as these perfect little collections of cells, all chubby cheeks and bright eyes, and every single one of us has the ability to become the most wonderful person that we can be; to discover, for ourselves, what lies within our destiny.

The point, or, at least as close as I can figure such things, is whatever we personally decide it to be. Every day we are presented with a thousand different choices, most of which are so insignificant we barely notice that they are before us. But some, the truly important choices, those monumental decisions that you spend weeks debating over, those are the things which ultimately make up our 'reason' for being alive.  
We are not assigned a point to our lives; we have to find one, and then another, and another, until we are too old, or too tired to carry on any longer. Until we have done all that we are capable of.

For a very long time, I believed that my only purpose in life was to find the people responsible for my Mother's murder, and to ensure that they were held accountable. To make them feel every ounce of the sadness and the grief that consumed my life as a result of their actions. It was the only thing in this entire world that I wanted, the only thing that I ever thought about. No one was telling me to do it; I was the person responsible for the way in which I allowed it to define me, to control me.  
Now I see what a catastrophic mistake that was, to care only for one thing, to live for a single, heartbreaking reason. That isn't how life is supposed to be, and I vow to never allow myself to feel such things again. I promise to live as full a life as possible, made up of as many reasons as I am able to find for myself.

* * *

To be continued..

This question was a really difficult one to answer ..it is such an odd thing to think of, and one which everyone has a very personal opinion on. I tried to make it as Beckett-y as possible, but I am not entirely sure if it was a success, or not.  
If you have a moment to do so, please let me know what you thought?

Thank you for reading,  
Katie

*Just another little plea for questions to be answered in **Enquiries **..and a huge thank you for all the support that you have shown it so far.*


	10. Day Ten

I'm sorry for posting this a day later than it should have been, but I didn't get the chance to do so yesterday.

* * *

**Day Ten  
Favourite month of the year, and why?**

I have, ever since I was a little girl, liked August best of all. There is something almost magical about the month of August, as if anything in the world is possible. It is a month utterly filled with hope, every moment of its wonder a promise that even the darkest of days will pass eventually, that everything is going to be just fine.  
I don't know exactly what it is, perhaps it is the sunshine and blue skies, perhaps it is something that we aren't quite able to understand, but everything seems a little better in August.

When I was younger, long before I knew anything of the real world, August meant an entire month of carefree fun; a month of paddling pools, and garden parties, and more ice cream than should ever be eaten at one time. School was a distant memory; any stress of the year before long forgotten, and next term still over a month away.  
My Mum and Dad would book as many days off from work as they could, saving up their holiday days throughout the year so that we could have a week in August entirely to ourselves. They would pack up the car the night before, and we'd drive down to the coast early the next morning, leaving behind the stifling heat and bustling streets of New York long before the sun was even up.  
We'd head to beach as soon as we arrived, the soft waves of the ocean calling us back to them after a year in the city. My Dad would race me across the sand, both running as fast as we could on bare feet, My Mum calling after us to be careful, knowing that we wouldn't listen. The water was always freezing, a delicious shock to our sun warmed skin, salty and pure and utterly wonderful.  
The entire week would be one adventure after the next, countless hours of sheer happiness. Everything about those lazy, hazy days of August were utterly perfect, just the three of us, building sandcastles and laughing so much that it hurt to smile. They were, quite simply, the best days of my entire life.

But my love of August, although centred in the treasured memories of my childhood, is not entirely because of the past. Even now I cannot resist its appeal, the beauty that can be found within the very heart of summer, its vibrant days and languid nights. August is bright and breezy, a welcomed reprieve from the darkness and the cold; as if by surviving the horrors of winter we have earned ourselves a month of shining light. It is a month to be grateful for, four weeks in which we are able to show our appreciation for the sun and the sea and everything in between.  
August should be loved, and I hope that I am always able to do so; to find within its days, even if my own are filled with sadness and suffering, a reason to be happy, a reason to enjoy the life that I am lucky enough to still be leading.

* * *

To be continued..

I have a couple of questions waiting to be answered for **Enquiries**, so they are next on my list to be written ..but please do continue to send your questions in (either in response to the challenge answers, or otherwise).

Thank you for reading,  
Let me know what you thought?

Katie


	11. Day Eleven

**Day Eleven  
How are you really feeling today (come on, we want the truth)?**

Today, and actually for the past few days, I really have been truly happy.

I have come to realise that even if I don't return to the police force, eventually I will have to do something with my life, and I will be starting right back at the very bottom of the ladder. So, I have decided to just enjoy these next couple of weeks, to see them as if I am on holiday, free from the daunting responsibilities of adult life.  
Never again will I have so much time to just do as I please, to go wherever the mood takes me, and I don't want to waste an opportunity that so few people are lucky enough to be given. Of course, I still have to make my decision, and I am still going to struggle to do so, but that doesn't mean that I cannot indulge in a little happiness along the way.

Happiness that I am sure is almost entirely down to Castle, and his determination to not, as he puts it, allow me to mope about like a bad smell for the next two and a half weeks. Which is perhaps a little unfair, but it is also not too far from the truth.  
It is so easy to see all that is bad in our lives, to concentrate only on the things that have us worried, or scared. The goodness sort of gets a little lost amongst the horrors of the world, and we lose sight of all the happiness that we could be experiencing if only we allowed ourselves to do so. Richard Castle is not a man to be so easily tricked, he is eternally optimistic, as if he never quite grew out of playing make believe. A trait of his that I am falling more in love with each and every day.  
Castle keeps me floating above the sadness that I used to so easily sink myself into; he helps me to find all of the little wonders that make happiness the only possibility. In truth, I don't know what I would do without him, and I certainly never intend on finding out.

I know that life cannot stay this way forever, eventually we will both have to grow up again, find our place out there in the real world. But, not just yet.

* * *

To be continued..

I wrote quite a few different answers to this question, three of which I considered posting - this one, and two others that were a little on the dark and twisty side of feelings, so I hope that you like my choice.  
I know that Castle and Beckett cannot live in easy, breezy happiness forever, but I couldn't resit allowing them to do so for at least another challenge day :)

Thank you very much for reading ..and for everyone who has added this to their alerts/favourites. It honestly means the world to me!

Please let me know what you thought (good or bad) ..I try my best to reply to any feedback that I receive, but feel free to buzz me if I do not.  
& keep sending in any questions that you have for **Enquiries**.

Katie


	12. Day Twelve

**Day Twelve  
It's now 5 years into the future and you have just walked through your front door, describe everything that you can see, hear, smell, taste and touch?  
**

I have been looking forward to this question; it is a little like a game that Castle and I play when he needs a break from writing, when his mind has been sat in one place for so long that he doesn't quite know what to do with it.  
I'll stop whatever it is that I'm doing and lie down in the middle of the floor with him, like two starfish with linked together arms, and Castle will tell me to close my eyes, to block out the real world and concentrate only on the story that he is about to tell me, to truly believe every word of it. And then, just as I've finally found my footing, when the world he creates starts to feel like the only possible truth, he tells me to take over, to finish the story, to write the ending for myself.  
The first time we played, perhaps a couple of weeks after the night that brought us together, I was so nervous of telling the wrong story that I couldn't speak at all; Castle speaks his stories just as beautifully as he writes them, every word falling perfectly into place, I knew that I could never do the same. But he told me not to worry, that I could be speaking entirely in three lettered words and he would still want to listen, that writing a good story isn't so much about the words, but the place in which they come from, the heart and the soul that you etch into them, the little pieces of yourself that you are willing to sacrifice for them. He told me to follow wherever the story wanted to take me, to let it guide us both into a world entirely of our own creation.  
From that moment on all I wanted to do was play our secret game of make believe; to snuggle close to his warmth as the world around me melted away, to run away with him and never look back.

So that is what I am going to do today; I am going to lie on the floor, close my eyes, and welcome you all to world of Katherine Beckett, five years into future...

It is dark outside, the sort of mottled blue colour of winter evenings when you know that it isn't quite late enough to be night time but the sky has other ideas. It's a Friday, the third Friday in February, and I'm running late because my train home from work was full by the time that I made it to the platform, and I decided to wait for the next, not in the mood to pressed up against sixty complete strangers in a compartment better fitting for twenty. Work has been relentless this week, every day seemingly harder than the last, every second more stressful, but now I don't have to be in until Monday; two full days of carefree happiness that I have been craving from the very moment that my alarm went off at six o'clock that morning. My feet are numb with cold, aching deep to the bone, crying out to be set free from my heels, desperate to be padding about the house in the socks that I know are waiting for me on the radiator. In fact, everything aches, every cell in my body is cold and tired and utterly exhausted. But I quickly discard my body's complaints, choosing instead to concentrate on the four, maybe five steps which separate me from the front door. I'm home, back where I have longed to be all day, and nothing is going to take the joy of that away from me.

We don't live in the City anymore, haven't for a while; we still live close enough to not feel disconnected from everything and everyone who used to feel so much like home, but far enough to be free from the murky streets and stifling air.  
I climb the porch steps, heels clicking noisily against the wood, echoing out into the empty street. It feels colder with every step that I take, the late February air crisp and sharp and almost painful; it's too cold to snow, well below zero now that I am away from the insulation of New York City, clean and icy and promising to dip even more as the night goes on. I'm glad to be home, almost out of the cold, tucked up safely away from the world; from the monsters who walk the streets, who hunt the weak and the innocent, who demand my attention all week long. They don't have any place here; they don't belong in this part of my life, not anymore. Work stays at work, and home is carried safely in my heart wherever I go. Always there, always waiting for me return, welcoming me back with open arms.

I lock the front door behind me, wiggling the bolt a little to make it click properly into place, reminding myself that one of us needs to get around to tightening it this weekend, knowing that it will probably be another three before we actually do so. The warmth of finally being inside is even more delicious than I imagined; flooding my cheeks within seconds, nuzzling its way to the tips of my frozen fingers. With my gun and badge locked away in the safe, and coat hanging on the spare peg beside our ever growing collection, I slip my shoes off and scoop them both up with one hand, their heels ever so slightly knocking together as I walk. My toes curl up at the relief of being set free, but the arch protests at the sudden shock of falling flat to the ground; I am certain that they never used to ache like this, that at one time heels were comfortable even after a ten hour day. Maybe it's the cold? Numb and biting all day long. Yes, that must be it.

The house creaks as I pad my way through its corridors, calling out its familiar welcomes, little reassurances that it is as glad to have me home as I am to be there. It misses me, this beautiful old house of ours; it somehow knows when I am not there. It is a thought that sounds ridiculous even as I am thinking it, but I know it to be true.  
Heading deeper inside I realise that the music playing from within the kitchen is a trick; no one is in there, the radio has been left to play to itself. I go to turn it off, but decide against it before I am halfway there; its playing songs that I haven't heard in far too long, songs from half a lifetime ago; they make me feel young, I am back to being a teenager again, waiting for my Mum and Dad to go out so that I could play them loudly enough to fill the entire house. That night they are playing softly, filtering gently into the warm air, an ode to a time gone by that I cannot bring myself to switch off. So I let them keep playing, they can keep the downstairs company; wouldn't want it to get lonely without us.

Climbing the stairs I know my destination even before I reach it; I know exactly where I will find the other half of my heart.  
My feet sink into the soft cherry carpet that fills the landing, a carpet inherited from the previous owners, too luxurious to even consider replacing. I stop to quickly drop my heels off in our bedroom, not bothering with the light, knowing my way to wardrobe even in the dark. It doesn't take long. I am back to my beloved cherry carpet in thirty seconds at the most.  
Three steps more and I reach the end of the hallway, the soft light of my favourite room in the entire world dancing at my feet, escaping through its door that has not quite been closed all the way. The picture revealed to me as I quietly let myself into the room makes my heart sing, warm and fuzzy and overflowing with love. There they are, my two boys, as perfectly content as they had been when I left for work that morning. My husband - _my Richard Castle_, and our beautiful little Oscar. Both fast asleep; Castle snuggled deep into the ornately decorated armchair that my Dad had saved from when I was a baby, our little bubba tucked safely into the crook of his elbow.  
I know that I should wake Castle; that he'll complain all day tomorrow and shuffle about like an old man if I leave him to sleep sitting up, but he looks so peaceful, so happy in his mystical land of make believe. And waking Castle lends itself to the risk of waking Oscar, my lovely little bubba who already sleeps with exactly the same expression as his Daddy, nose crinkling and lips twitching, dreaming of goodness knows what.

In the end I decided to leave them for a little while longer; ten more minutes won't make a difference, and they really are too adorable to disturb. Besides, I have an entire weekend of cuddles ahead of me, for now I am content to just soak in the wonder of my family.  
Because this is perfect, this is home.

* * *

To be continued..

I know that this was candy-floss fluffy, but I couldn't help myself!  
I just cannot resist a Caskett baby fic ..and this seemed like the perfect opportunity to write a snippet of one :)

Please let me know what you thought? Whether it be good, bad or ugly - any feedback at all is greatly appreciated.  
Or send in a question for Beckett (see **Enquiries**) ..I would love to answer any questions that you have for her regarding this update.

Thank you for reading,  
Katie

*To anyone waiting for their questions to be answered in **Enquiries**, I promise that they will be posted tomorrow*


	13. Day Thirteen

**Day Thirteen  
If your twelve year old self looked at you as you are now, would they like what they saw?**

I like to hope that, even though my life perhaps hasn't turned out the way I was expecting, my twelve year old self would still be proud of the person whom she has grown into. That she would find a way to look past all that isn't quite as it should be, and see that life doesn't have to be perfect for it to be wonderful.

Being twelve, at least for me, was easy. The world was bright and shiny, and filled with fairytales. Back then I knew nothing of heartache and grief; it was a time when being sent to bed early was the worst part of my life, a time when my hopes and dreams knew no bounds.  
I am so grateful for the childhood that I was given, for the love of my parents and the life that they strived to create for me, but I am not sure that twelve year old Kate ever truly realised how lucky she was. But then, that's the one tragedy of being twelve; you don't realise how magical it is, until it's too late.

There are a lot of things about my life that twelve year old Katie Beckett would never have expected to happen; choices I have made that would surprise her, and perhaps some that might even disappoint her a little.  
I haven't travelled the world, I haven't been swimming with dolphins, I haven't lived in Paris for a year, I didn't become a lawyer - nor an astronaut, I'm not married to a rock star, I don't eat Chinese food for dinner every night, and I certainly don't have neon pink hair!  
But those were the dreams of a little girl, and everyone knows that we don't really become the people who we think that we will when we are twelve years old. Perhaps I should have done some of those things, and maybe I will look back and regret that I didn't, but that doesn't make my life any less spectacular than I dreamed it to be. In fact, it's better. They were all just far away fantasies, my life today is so much more than that; it's real.

So, if my twelve year old self ever does find her way to my door, I would like her to know that the magic never really goes away, you just have to know where to look for it! I am alive, I am loved, and I am happy; and that is really all that any of us need.

Besides, rock stars are overrated! Crime novelists are a much better bet :')

* * *

To be continued..

Thank you ever so much for reading!  
Please do let me know what you thought if you get a chance to do so? & keep sending in any questions that you have for Beckett.

Until tomorrow,  
Katie

**p.s.** I uploaded the first chapter of a new story yesterday (I think it will be two -maybe three- chapters in total)  
It is called **Mouthing the Words**, and is set in a Caskett-filled future!  
Please have a read, I would love to know what you think of it :)

**p.p.s** Good luck to anyone getting their A Level results tomorrow!  
I am myself a nervous wreck at the moment, and really just want the waiting to be over.


	14. Day Fourteen

**Day Fourteen  
Tell us about your Mum and Dad?**

When I was younger, back before we knew of the heartache that would find us, my Mum and Dad were everything that your parents are supposed to be. They were so loving and kind, always there for me, always doing their best to make something of our lives. We were like every other family that I knew; we had dinner together, we went to the beach in the holidays, we argued over who was going to do the washing up. We were just another wonderful little slice of normality.

Everybody loved my Mum, it was impossible not to. Our house was always full of people whom she was friends with; some who stopped by to discuss work, others who just wanted to gossip over a cup of coffee. When I was little they had all seemed so grown up to me, so glamorous. I wanted to grow up to be just like them, to follow in their high-heeled footsteps. Of course I admired my Mum most of all; I looked up her in every possible way. It seemed to me that she had the perfect life. That she _was_ life.  
My Mum was everything to everyone; she always had enough time for every single person in her life, no one ever felt as if they were going without her attention when they needed it. She was so intelligent, clever in every aspect of life. Independent and headstrong and fuelled by the greater good. Nothing could ever stand in her way, truly a force to be reckoned with. My Mum had a heart liked no other, and she used it to stand for what was right, for the best of men, and for the innocent. She made the world a better place simply by being a part of it.

And my Dad, everything about him was fun loving and carefree. We would spend Saturday afternoon's together, just the two of us, little Katie Beckett and her silly old Dad. During those afternoons, spent making a den in the front room or rollerblading in the park, it felt to me as if the whole world had been created especially for us. I never wanted them to end; I never wanted to grow up.  
Back then it was as if nothing could ever hurt me when my Dad was around; he made the world feel safer. No problem was ever too big, or too small, he was my protector. When I'd fallen out with my friends, or gotten a bad grade on a test paper, he was there. He made it better. He was brave in ways that I have always longed to be; courageous of heart and open to love. He was my hero.

But, as you all know by now, our lives didn't turn out how any of us had expected. When my Mum was murdered, I lost everything that I had ever known, and there was honestly a time when I thought that my life had ended on that fateful day.  
My Mum was stolen from us, taken from this world too early, before anyone was ready for her to leave. It crushed my Dad, shattered his heart and his mind, and turned him into a man unrecognisable from the hero of my childhood. My Mum was gone, and my Dad was broken. I lost both of my parents in a single moment of heartless violence, and that is something that I still struggle with today.

My Dad is better now, healthy and strong, but he isn't quite the same. He loved my Mum with all of his heart, I mean, my goodness did he love her, and I don't believe that anyone can ever fully recover from a loss that devastating.  
He is still my Dad, and I still love him unconditionally, but every day I miss the person who he used to be. I miss the brightness of his eyes and his happiness that knew no bounds. I miss him not only for myself, but also for my Dad. I wish that he didn't have to suffer, that he didn't know such tremendous grief, that his heart wasn't broken. But life doesn't work like that; we don't get to pick and choose our pain. We can't always end the suffering; sometimes we can only distract from it enough to make life bearable.

When I think of my Mum and Dad, I try to think of them as they were all those years ago, before the world as I knew it was broken beyond repair. I look back to the time that we had together, to the happiness and the love and the life. We experienced more joy in a single day of our lives together than some people do in an entire lifetime, and for that I consider myself very lucky indeed.  
I don't dwell on what might have been. I can't. It is the 'what ifs' that will get you in the end; they'll bury themselves deep into your soul and rip it to shreds. They'll steal your heart.  
You have to cherish the memories that you have, enjoy them, but you can't live your entire life within them. You have to keep going, you have to hope for a better life.

So, here is to my Family; to my Mum, to my Dad, and to me; an ordinary family, who together experienced an extraordinary love.

* * *

To be continued..

I hope that this story is still seeming Beckett-ey? ..sometimes the more that I write, the more like me I sound (if that makes any sense).  
So, please let me know what you thought? - good or bad.

& keep sending in any questions that you have for **Enquiries **..something that you would like clearing up from these challenge days, or something utterly unrelated :)

Thank you for reading,  
Katie


	15. Day Fifteen

I apologise for taking so long to update this story, I haven't had as much free time to write the past few days ..but I will try to make up for it over the next week.

* * *

**Day Fifteen  
The highs and lows of the past fifteen days?**

My lowest point of the past fifteen days was a little under a week ago; the day that I realised just how lost I feel without knowing where I will be at the end of the month.  
Castle had left late the night before to catch a flight to a meeting that had been set up for him in Los Angeles; he had very sweetly asked if I wanted to come with him, but at the time a couple of days apart hadn't seemed like something I would struggle with as much as I did. Lanie, Ryan, and Esposito were all swamped at work, even their dinner hours filled with new bodies and endless piles of paperwork. My Dad was away on a fishing trip with some of his old friends from way back to his school days. Martha was teaching an acting class. Alexis was having a day of dinner and shopping with her friends. Everyone, it seemed, had something important to do. Everyone, except for me.

It was the first time in the two months that I had been away from the precinct that I had ever truly been alone. I mean, of course I had spent time by myself, but that isn't quite the same thing. Someone had always been there, a phone call and a ten minute cab ride away, never so far that I had felt the bitter sting of loneliness creep in around the edges of my heart.  
Never, until that day, had I realised just how terribly cut off I felt from the world, from everything that had once been so comforting and familiar. Being a detective had crushed me, crippled me, but in its own twisted way it had also saved me. It gave me purpose; a reason for being that was something greater than the simple human desire to live.  
And now? Now I have become the girl who only exists within the company of other people, a terrifying contraction to the independence that I used to so desperately cling to.

I sat at home, cuddled into the corner of a settee that I even set eyes upon for a week before that day, feeling more alone than I had felt in a very long time. Everyone had something else to be doing, something better. They had a reason for getting up that morning, for grabbing a cup of coffee as they kissed their loved ones goodbye, for leaving the safety of their homes and entering into the real world once again. They had a life.  
I wanted that, for the first time in over eight weeks, I wanted to know what it felt like to live a life that was my own. I mean, to just have the tiniest slither of a life that belonged entirely to me. Perhaps not as a detective, but definitely as something. I needed a distraction, a reason greater than day time television to get me out of bed. I was drowning in the nothingness, and there wasn't a single person in the entire world close enough to save me.

I want you to understand that I love Castle, my goodness do I love that man with every beat of my heart; but that cannot be all that I am, I can't exist through love alone. Nobody can. We need something more, something that makes us feel like a real person and not just an extension of the people around us.  
Up until that day I hadn't thought that it was necessary, I had been so sure of my love that I believed it was the one singular thing that I needed out of life. But as I sat there, completely alone, I realised how very foolish I had been to think such things. Living only for love is impossible; it hurts like nothing has ever hurt you before, it breaks your heart every single time that the person whom you love walks out of the door, and that pain doesn't go away until they are back within your grasp. You hate yourself for feeling so weak, so vulnerable and alone, and then you start to hate them for making you feel such things. It eats away at you, at the both of you, digging its nasty little claws in so deep that you can never get them out again. It destroys you.  
I couldn't allow that to happen to us, to Castle and I, neither one of us would survive it.

And yet, that day was also my highest point of the past fifteen days.  
I had finally found a way to admit to myself what it was that I truly wanted, the honest truth about where my life was heading. Perhaps I am still unsure of my future as a detective, but I am certain that I intend to have a future as something more than a woman who waits at home for the missing pieces of her heart to return. I owe it not only to myself, but to every single person who I hold dear to find the reason that I need to get myself back out into reality. Not doing so would only serve to damage us in exactly the same way that my quest for vengeance used to.

I knew that this wasn't going to be easy, that it was always going to get much worse before it got any better, but now I am prepared to welcome heartache; to embrace it, to survive it, and to move on from it. It is the only way that I am ever going to be able to become the best possible version of myself; the Kate Beckett who is deserving of all the truly wonderful people in her life.

* * *

To be continued..

Again, I am sorry for the longer than normal wait, I hope that it hasn't put you off reading my little story.  
Also, I know that a couple of you are waiting on questions to be answered in Enquires, and I promise that they will be uploaded within the next couple of days.

Thank you for reading,  
Katie

P.s. To the anonymous reviewer who asked for the url of my own tumblr, there should still be a link on my fanfic profile page; but if not, it is: aloverthatshebarelyknew


	16. Day Sixteen

**Day Sixteen  
Do you believe in love at first sight, and the reasons for your answer?**

I believe in lust at first sight, but not love.

I think that we have all walked past a stranger whilst shopping, or sat next to someone on the bus into work and thought to ourselves that they are the very definition of human perfection.  
You can't quite explain why you feel that way; perhaps it is their icy blue eyes that stare back at you with a fascinated curiosity, or maybe the hint of musk that clings deliciously to their suntanned skin, whatever the reason the outcome is always the same – you want to seep into space around their heart and stay tucked away for the rest of your life. But, nine times out of ten, those feelings aren't real; you soon find yourself with cramped legs and a desperate longing to run far away from your once beautiful stranger. Eventually you come to realise that the curly blonde hair that attracted you to that person in the first place, is in fact the _only_ thing that has ever attracted you to them; the rest, the relationship, well that is just a lust fuelled illusion.  
Lust is supposed to be short lived – to literally exist only at first sight, and it soon dwindles if you try to survive off of it. It burns too bright, too fierce and uncontrollable, too destructive, too much to bear for any longer than those initial sparks that flutter and dance about in your belly, eventually it has to fizzle out.

People think that lust and love are the same; that they exist within each other, but I don't believe that to be the case. Yes, lust can – if you are very lucky indeed – lead the way to love, but that doesn't make them equals.  
Lust is a bright spark of momentary attraction, a physical yearning after a desirable quality that has caught your eye, a conscious decision to follow your impulses. Love is so much more. Love is almost a tangible being; as if your feelings have knotted together with those of the person you love, and have somehow found a way to exist as more than we can quite understand. Love grows, and changes, and alters itself along the way; but it will never leave in the way that lust does, you will never stop loving someone, not really. And that is what makes love so much better, so much bigger, and bolder, and filled with courage; love is forever.

I have throughout my life fallen into lust more times than I can count, and on occasion I have mistaken it for love, but I know now that there is only one man in this entire world whom I could ever be truly in love with, and I am blessed to find that he is also in love with me. So, here is to Richard Castle, the missing pieces of my once fractured heart.

* * *

To be continued..

**Enquiries **is still running along this story, so please send in any questions that you have for Beckett (either by review or private message - whichever you prefer).

Thank you for reading,  
Katie


	17. Day Seventeen

**Day Seventeen  
Write a letter to your sixteen year old self?**

Dear Katie,

I hope that my letter finds you well, and that you have found a way to enjoy the strange in-betweeness of being sixteen. I know that it feels a little impossible at times, but I want you to promise me, to promise yourself, that you will make the most of being young, and free, and so very loved. Simply being sixteen feels as if it is, at times, more than you bear, but I promise you that it isn't half as terrible as it seems; that one day you'll look back and realise just how happy you were, how blessed we all are to be sixteen for a little while.  
I bet I sound just like Mum and Dad, don't I? But that is a good thing, a brilliant thing. They do know what they're talking about, when they set your curfew to eleven and tell you to stop wishing so desperately to grow up, they are doing it because they know what's best, and because they love you.  
So, listen to them, and enjoy being sixteen because it certainly doesn't last forever!

Know that you will never be as young as you are now, and nor will you ever be so beautiful, so don't spend too much time worrying over how you look; it honestly isn't worth a second thought. You don't have to look perfect all of the time, not at sixteen, not when you have so much else that you could be doing.  
The time will come when you will need to be conscious of your appearance; when society will demand it of you, but now is not that time. And please believe me when I say that straitening your hair with a clothes iron is never a good idea, and nor is letting your friends do it for you.

You think that boys don't notice you, that they walk on by without even glancing in your direction, but that isn't true. Oh sweetie, their hearts flutter at the mere sight of you, but I will let you into a little secret; you're too good for them, and they know it. You don't even realise how special you are, but they do. They see it, they see how wonderful you are, and that makes them nervous because they know that eventually they will have to let you go, that you are too brilliant for even love to contain.  
Have fun, go out and flirt a little, share a box of popcorn and perhaps even a kiss or two at the cinema, accept when you are asked to the summer dance, but don't let them hurt you. You are worth so much more than that; than the pain and suffering of a foolish teenage heart.  
And know that one day you will fall in love with a man so truly magnificent that the entire world will glow with the wonder of what you feel for each other. He is the man of your dreams, and he is so much more besides; he is, no matter how silly this might sound to you now, your destiny. You love him, Katie, you love him more than you ever thought possible; and my goodness does he love you back.

Do your very best to appreciate everything that Mum and Dad do for you; even when they drive you to near insanity, when you think that you hate them, when you're shouting and screaming and slamming doors, even then you must try to remember that love is the root cause of every decision that they make. Show them kindness and consideration, accept their mistakes with the good grace that I know you to be capable of, and make sure to always tell them how much you love them.  
The time that we have with the people who are the most important to us is far shorter than you can possibly imagine at sixteen, and it is a harsh reality that is still a long way off, but never quite long enough. Love them openly and honestly, and don't ever been too embarrassed to give them a hug goodbye. Live not in fear of losing them, but in the knowledge that every second that you have with Mum and Dad should be cherished, and make the most of that time.

I cannot tell you what is going to happen in your future, but I can assure you that everything will work itself out in the end; that happiness is always within your reach, if only you have the courage to look. You, Katie Beckett, have within yourself an unimaginable strength, and it will see you through even the darkest of days. Never give up, never lose hope, and never allow the world to win.  
You are anything and everything that you want to be, and don't you ever allow anyone to make you doubt that. A great man will one day tell you that you are extraordinary, and he is going to be right, all you have to do is believe him.

I wish you all the luck in the world, and I hope that the person who is writing to you today isn't too great of a disappointment to the girl of sixteen who dreamed of the world.  
Remember the next three things that I am going to tell you, and I promise that they will find a way to help you when you are most in need; love fiercely, act boldly, and know that greater things are always yet to come.

Yours sincerely, and a little supernaturally,  
Kate Beckett, age 31.

xxx

* * *

To be continued..

My apologies for this again being a little late, I hope that it hasn't put you off reading.

Thank you, as ever,  
Katie


	18. Day Eighteen

Hello everyone!

I think that we should all take a moment to appreciate just how wonderful the promo was ..my heart is still a little fluttery because of it!  
I don't quite know how we are going to last out until the 24th, aha

* * *

**Day Eighteen  
One day out of your life that you would like to experience again?**

I don't suppose that it will come as much of a surprise to any of you when I say that if I were given the opportunity to experience one day out of my life again, then I would choose a day that was spent with my Mum. I know that this challenge is, in a way, another of Dr. Burke's attempts to help me to move on from the tragedies of my past, but we all know that I would be lying if I answered this question in any other way, and that is something that I promised myself I would not do. I vowed that this challenge would be thirty days of complete honesty, even if the answers are quite what they should be.

I would like to go back to the Christmas of 1998; the last Christmas that we spent together as a family, the Christmas before my Mother was murdered.  
It's not that we did anything special that year, looking back I can't really distinguish it from any other of our Beckett family Christmas, but it is for that very reason I want so desperately to be able to visit that day once more. To enjoy one last year of festive spirit and holiday cheer, to sink myself into the warmth of what Christmas should be, and to take a little comfort in knowing that the day used to be more than a stark reminder of everything that we have lost.

I think that one of the hardest things about losing my Mum in the way that I did, is that I never had a chance to say goodbye to her. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to know that someone you love is going to die, but I have always thought that it might be possible to find a little light through knowing that you will be able to sit by their side, hold their hand, and tell them just how much you love them. I never had that, and I will never have the closure that I believe it would have given me.  
I suppose that is why I would like to go back to our last Christmas; to get my chance to say goodbye. To spend some quality time with my family, curled up safely away from the rest of the world on a day that was always so filled with love and kindness.

It has been a very long time since I have really celebrated Christmas at all, and I know that is something that would hurt my Mum if she were here to see it, but it has always felt too painful to even consider. I hope that now things will begin to change, that the love and support of Castle will be able to see me through the darkness and back to the light and warmth of what Christmas should always have been.  
I will of course always long for the memories of my past, but I am tired of constantly dwelling on what could have been. It is time for me to move on; to find happiness in the hope that I have for the future, and to know that my Mum will be proud of me for doing so.

* * *

To be continued..

I'm sorry if I haven't replied to your reviews, I'm a little lost on which ones I got around to - so I just wanted to thank you all for leaving them, I really do appreciate it.

Thank you for reading,  
Katie

P.s. Please do send in any questions that you have for **Enquiries **- the story will keep going for as long as I have questions to answer.


	19. Day Nineteen

**Day Nineteen  
Your current/future children (tell us everything about them, even if it is all imaginary)?**

I would like to start this answer by telling you about Castle's daughter, Alexis.  
I have known Alexis since she was sixteen, and I have had the great pleasure of watching as she has grown into one of the most wonderful young women whom I have ever met. She is a true testament to Castle, and proof, if ever there was need for any, of just how lucky we all are to have him in our lives.

I think that I will always regret that I didn't know Alexis when she was younger; Castle and Martha have told me so many stories about that time, but it isn't quite the same as being there. We have all missed out on so much of each other's lives, but I suppose that it seems more when you think of all the wonders of being there for a little girl as she grows up; and at times I find that a very difficult thing to not get upset about.  
But, in the grand scheme of things, it is only a very small regret. Alexis has the entire world at her feet, and I can't wait to be there for every second of her life from now on. I know that I will probably never be seen as her Mum, but that isn't something that I ever expected to happen; I can still be there for her as a friend, as someone who loves and cares for her, as someone who wants her to have the very best out of life.  
We might not be related, but I long ago discovered that that has very little to do with family, and even less to do with love. I don't just want to be an add on to Castle's family, I want to be a real part of it, and I am so grateful to Alexis for allowing me that honour.

Castle and I have never talked about having children together, or at least not in any way that would be considered a real conversation on the matter, but I know that it is something we both want to happen in the future.  
As you know, our lives are a little in limbo at the moment, but I think that once we know for certain where I stand on carrying on with my job as a detective it will be easier to see where the rest of our lives fit in. Marriage and babies seem a very long way down the road, but you never can tell for certain where life is going to take you.

I would like to have two children; Castle and I both know what it is like to grow up as an only child, and it would be nice to give our children a chance to experience life in a bigger family. It's not that being without siblings is a bad thing, but it can at times get a little lonely.  
I want to have a little boy first, and then a little girl not too long after. I find it difficult to imagine what our children will look like, except that they will both have beautiful blue eyes that exactly match their Daddy's. I think that they will both look similar to each other, and to Alexis as well; a perfect mix of all the people whom I love the most, and a little of me too.  
Above all else, I want our children to know what it is to love, to be forever surrounded by it and never afraid to feel it. To see that love is the greatest strength of all, and to never run from in it the ways that I have. And I know that Castle is the best possible person to teach them that, he is after all the one who taught me.

I don't know when it will happen, or where abouts in the world we will find ourselves, but I honestly can't wait for the day that Castle and I find out we are expecting our first baby. It is a terrifying thought, but terrifying in the most wonderful of ways; like starting out on a great adventure into the unknown, filled with more excitement and love and happiness than either of us can possibly imagine!

* * *

To be continued..

Please do send in any questions that you have for Beckett to be answered in **Enquiries **- either about the challenge answers, or just general wanderings that you have.

Thank you for reading,  
Katie


	20. Day Twenty

**Day Twenty  
Would you break the law if you honestly believed it to be for the greater good?**

I know that as a detective my answer should be an absolute and definite no, that the law is there to protect us and the world in which we live, but as a human being I don't believe that it is as simple as that. Sometimes we have to make choices not based upon legality, but rather on what we know deep down to be right; the decisions that are going to allow us to sleep at night, to not falter under the weight of guilt and grief and despair. The law is in its very nature black or white – right or wrong – legal or not; life, on the other hand, is all manner of messy confusion and grey areas that no one truly understands.

I have sat before true criminals and listened to them tell me their stories; I have seen evil written across their features and a smug grin appear as they talk of their actions, but I have also sat before good people who have found themselves in a place that they never expected to be, the last resorts of desperate men. And I believe wholeheartedly that there is a difference between the two; a difference between those who break the law because they choose to, and those who break the law because they have to.  
Of course, we all have a choice – a chance to listen to that voice of reason telling us to not do something that we know to be illegal, but we aren't always able to listen. Sometimes we do things that we know are wrong, but we do them for the very best of reasons. The Father who shoots a man to save his family, or the beautiful little girl who snaps at the hands of the people who have abused her since the day that she was born. I have arrested these people, and I have known that if our roles were reversed, if I had been in their situation, then I would have done exactly as they did.

So yes, if I honestly believed it to be for the greater good, then I would break the law. I would do it for friendship, and I would do it for family. The law does not govern our hearts; it cannot control the lengths that we will go to for those who we love, the actions that we will take if we believe them to be our only option. I would break the law, and I would face my punishment knowing that I had done the right thing; perhaps not right in the eyes of the world, but rather in secret depths of my heart and soul.  
Rules and regulations can only go so far, eventually we have to stand up and fight for the things that are most important to us, for the people who are worth so much more than the harsh realities that we would have to face in the wake of our decisions to break the law for our unfaltering love of them.

* * *

To be continued..

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who is reading this, I really do appreciate each and every one of you.  
And I very much hope that you are still enjoying the challenge answers?

Until next time,  
Katie

P.s. Just in case anyone is interested, I have recently changed my tumblr url - it is now: ourglassmenagerie


	21. Day TwentyOne

**Day Twenty-One  
The three things that you fear the most?**

**I fear that my Mother's case will never be solved.**

I have finally found the strength to accept that hunting the monsters responsible for my Mother's death is not the only thing that my life should be about, but I don't believe that I could survive an entire lifetime without ever knowing what truly happened.  
I have come a long way from the heartbroken girl who used to hide herself away in the precinct until two o'clock in morning, running herself to the ground and desperately searching for anything that she had previously missed; but that girl will always a part of me. I still need to know the truth if I am ever going to be able to put the demons of my past fully behind me.

I have found love and happiness and all of the wonderful things that there are in life, but there are still pieces missing. I want to be the best possible version of myself, to be more than the broken hearted girl of my past, and I know that I am not able to be that person without the closure of having solved my Mother's case.  
My Mum will forever be in my heart, forever by my side, but I know now that her murder doesn't have to be. I need her case to be closed not just for myself, but for everyone whom I love and care for. We all deserve a chance at life, and for too long that chance has been buried under the weight of an open case file; it's time now for us all to move on.

**I fear that I am not deserving of the love that Castle so ardently shows me.**

I have done so much in the past that has hurt Castle, and yet he has never faltered in his love for me. I was so concerned with protecting my own heart that I couldn't see the pain and the torment that I was causing to Castle's. I had what I believed to be good reasons for my actions, but that doesn't make what I did any better; it doesn't make it any less hurtful for the wonderful man who was on the receiving end.  
And yet, Castle never gave up on me. Every day he stood by my side, he held my hand, and he promised me that everything was going to be ok. Even when I did all that I could to push him away, to fight against his friendship and to deny his love, even on the worst of days Castle refused to give up on the hope that one day all of the pain and suffering would come to an end; the hope that I would finally be strong enough be a part of the life that he was offering me.

I'm not scared that one day he will wake up and realise that I was never worth the pain, but rather I am scared because I know that that will never happen. Castle is too good of a man to ever think such a thing; too brave and courageous of heart, too open and accepting of love, too strong to ever give up the fight. And that is what I fear.  
It terrifies me to think that I am never going to be good enough for him; that no matter how hard I try, I am always going to be the one who is causing him pain. Richard Castle is truly the best of men, and perhaps he deserves someone better than the person I am today.

I love Castle with every beat of my heart and every breath of my lungs, but I can't promise him that I am never again going to be scared of that love. I want so desperately to be everything that he is; to be fearless and brave and stronger than anyone I have ever known, but I don't know if I can be.  
All I can promise is that I will never give up trying; I will never give up on the hope that one day I will be the person who Castle deserves to have stood by his side until the day that this world is finished with the both of us.

**I fear the decision that I have to make on returning to the NYPD.**

The time that I have spent away from the precinct has been wonderful, and it was exactly what I needed; a break from the heartache and the constant reminders of my past, but it has also made me realise that I don't know who I am away from the job. I have been Detective Kate Beckett for such a very long time that I don't quite remember how to not be her; I don't know how to just be Kate.  
Part of me thinks that that is exactly the reason why I should stay away; that I need to give myself a chance to find out who I am away from the murder board, but the other part believes that that is why I need to return; to go back to what I am good at. And both parts seem utterly convinced that they are right.

I don't know what to do, and that scares me. Never before in my life have I been so unsure of myself, so confused and filled with contradicting opinions. The more I think about it, the worst it gets. Every thought is different to the last; every decision that I make is tainted with the knowledge that in a moments time I will arrive at its opposite.  
Castle has told me that he is with me in whatever choice I make; that he is head-over-heels in love and by my side no matter what direction our lives take. So, I have to make this decision for myself – for the life that I want to lead and for the happiness that I have waited my entire life to find. But, I don't know how to choose.

* * *

To be continued...

I am so sorry that this has taken me such a long time to update, but I just haven't had the time to write this past week.  
We are back at school tomorrow morning - for my last year before university, so there may be a few days in between chapters but I will do my very best to update as regularly as possible.  
And to **kcuona **and **racheybabe**, I promise that I haven't forgotten about your questions for **Enquires** - I just didn't want to rush the answers and write them poorly as a result.

Thank you ever so much for reading, and I really am sorry for all the delays.  
Until next time,  
Katie


	22. Day TwentyTwo

**Day Twenty-Two  
Where is your favourite place in the entire world?**

There are so many wonderful places that I could tell you about; places from my past, from years of happiness that have long since gone by, but I have decided to leave those for another day.  
This challenge is supposed to be helping me to move on; to let go of the past, and so far I have probably told you more of my childhood than I have anything else. The carefree years that I spent with my Mum and Dad will forever be my favourite memories, but this question is asking for my favourite place, and I think that I owe it to myself to tell you about the perfect little slice of the world that I currently find myself in.

My favourite place in the entire world is with Castle, pressed tightly to his chest and snuggled deep under the covers of his bed. The night air so cold that it almost stings to walk through it, and yet the tiny spaces between us seem to be alive with heat; dancing amongst the musky wonder of bare skin.  
It isn't something that I ever quite expected; to feel so utterly content whenever I am in his arms, but it is a feeling too spectacular to deny. I want to stay there forever, to bury myself away from the world and simply lie snuggled with the man I love, safe and warm and hidden away from the reality.

I love every second that I spend with Castle - even when he drives me mad with ridiculous ideas and a burning desire to play laser tag at two o'clock in the morning – but there is something magical about the secret moments that we share in the moonlight hours, something that holds within it the ability to make heart jump and flutter in the most delicious of ways.  
It is in those moments, when our bodies are heavy with sleep and our eyes are barely able to stay open that I truly realise how blessed I am to have Castle in my life. To share the most intimate parts of yourself with someone, to lie in the dark and not be afraid to open up your soul to them, to rest your head above the steady drum of their heart; that is happiness in its most pure of forms. I am in awe of the nights that we spend together, chest to chest and breathing in the very essence of love; hours languidly spent in the warmth, so simple that I hardly notice their passing, and yet somehow so utterly perfect in every way.

* * *

To be continued..

I am really sorry for the long wait between updates, but school has seemingly taken over all of my free time at the moment.  
I hope to have this story finished before the 24th September (as I am guessing that we will all be far too overwhelmed with cannon Caskett to want to read anymore challenge days, aha) - and with only eight chapters left to add I think that I should be able to do so :)

**Enquiries **will be updated this weekend, hopefully by Saturday afternoon if I don't have too much work to finish.

Thank you ever so much for reading,  
Katie


	23. Day TwentyThree

**Day Twenty-Three  
The happiest year of your life?**

I don't know if I can really pinpoint a year that has been the happiest of my life; there are days that dance and whirl around in my memories, days filled with such an overwhelming happiness that sometimes it feels almost as if I am still a part of them, but they are days that are scattered amidst the last thirty years of my life.  
Even the worst years – the years that I look back upon and wonder how I ever survived them, even they held days of happiness; tiny sparks of hope and kindness that allowed my heart the freedom to beat with the wonder of being alive. But that is the beauty of happiness; It doesn't come in yearlong blocks, but rather in fleeting moments of unadulterated joy that hold within them the strength to keep us fighting for more. The days that we look back upon during the darkest times of our life in the desperate hope that they will see us through to the other side, and the days that we hold dearest in our memories; perhaps gone, but never forgotten.

From the very second that my Dad and I returned home to find a police officer waiting on our doorstep my years have been spent under a tainted veil of grief and self destruction, but I know now that those years are finally behind me; that I am able to put to rest my single minded search for the monsters of my past and instead concentrate on all of the goodness that is ahead of me.

Today, I look forward with the hope that I will one day be able to answer this question properly; that I will experience a single year of my life so exquisitely perfect that every second of it will be made up of true happiness. I look towards the life that I have always longed to live, and I look towards any heartache that may await me on the way with the knowledge that I have lived through more than enough happiness to carry me through; that the love I feel as I write this could fuel a thousand lifetimes with dancing, whirling memories of happiness.

* * *

To be continued..

I didn't really mean to write this chapter as I did - I had intended on inventing a year from Beckett's past, but this sort of wrote itself instead.  
I hope that you still liked it?

Thank you for reading,  
Katie


	24. Day TwentyFour

**Day Twenty-Four  
The worst day of your life?**

The worst day of my life was not, as you might be expecting, the day that my Mum was murdered, but rather a day that came in the weeks that followed. It was the day that I realised the only person in the entire world who could take away my heartache with soothing words and comforting arms was never going to be there again; it was the day that I realised how utterly alone I was.  
It was, looking back, perhaps the day that fuelled the years which came afterwards; the grief-ridden years of despair, and anger, and unrelenting sadness. Had it not been for that day then maybe my life would have worked out a little differently; without it, maybe I wouldn't have become quite so lost to the demons of my past.

Up until that day, our house had been filled with police officers and reporters and neighbours piling our kitchen worktops with homemade dinners and flowers that seemed too bright and cheerful for the time, but that morning I woke up to a house quieter than I had ever before known it. It was too quiet; too alone and void of life to be the home that I had once loved with all my heart.  
It was almost as if up until that point I hadn't quite believed what had happened, like I was still waiting for my Mum to walk through the front door and tell everybody that there had been a mistake, that she was alive and well and simply late home from work. It was silly, I know, but it was the only thought capable of providing the strength that I had needed to see me through those first days of endless police reports and rose scented sympathy.  
But, the stark and devastating truth was impossible to ignore in a house so obviously missing the person who had made it our home; the woman who had been my everything, my beautiful Mum, who had been stolen from me before I was ready to let her go.

I have never missed anyone as much as I missed my Mum on that day; never before had I known the numbing pain of grief, the tears that stung my eyes and choked my lungs making it impossible to think of anything other than the missing pieces of my heart.  
I had woken up to find the house deserted, my Dad passed out in his study after the first of far too many tortuous nights spent with the scotch bottle, the police officers who had been so kind to us suddenly vanished and uncaring, and our neighbours carrying on with their lives as if nothing had ever happened. My life had been irrevocably changed beyond anything that I had ever imagined, and in that moment it seemed to me as if not a single person in this entire world had even noticed.

That day felt like the end; the end of everything good that I had ever known, and perhaps even the end of me. I have never tried to take my own life, but that day I came very close to making the decision to do just that; everything felt so disgustingly helpless that I couldn't stand the thought of being a part of the world anymore, of living without the love and support of my Mum to help me through.  
I don't know what stopped me from doing it, but I like to think that somehow my Mum was looking out for me that day; that even though she couldn't be physically by my side, she was still able to pull me through the suffocating fog of self destruction and back to the strength that she had always believed was within me.

I'm not proud to admit to I felt that day; of how close I came to giving up altogether, but neither am I ashamed to do so. You asked to know about the worst day that I have ever experienced, and I hope that through telling you about the lowest moments of my entire life you will be able to see that there is always a way out; that no matter how heartbreakingly awful the world may seem to be, there is still something beautiful out there for you, and all that you have to do is survive long enough to reach it.

* * *

To be continued..

I promise not to ramble on for too long, but I wanted to quickly say how grateful I am for your support of my little story. It really does mean the world.

Thank you for reading,  
I hope to not be too long with the next update :)

Katie


	25. Day TwentyFive

**Day Twenty-Five  
Describe your perfect husband/wife?**

When I was a little girl, my Mum used to tell me that there is no way to describe the man who you will one day want to marry; that never in your wildest of dreams will you be able to imagine a person so truly matching your heart, so utterly perfect in every way, so infuriatingly right for you as the person who will become your husband.

But, as I got older – as I learnt more of life, and less of fairytales, I stopped believing in what my Mum had always told me of love. Back then I was adamant in my belief that I knew exactly what sort of man I wanted to marry; from his deep brown eyes to his rock star career, I had everything planned out.

And then I really grew up, perhaps all too quickly, and the foolish dreams of a teenaged Katie Beckett disappeared with everything else that I had once known.  
For a long time I didn't believe that I would ever get married - I had seen for myself what love can do to us; what it had done to my Dad, and I didn't ever want to feel the crushing despair that I know he will always live with.  
Then I began to think that maybe marriage wasn't as terrible as my mind had been making out, that perhaps the only way to heal was through love, to face the thing that I feared the most. And I did, in some small and incomplete way, begin to open myself up to the idea, to the thought that there was a man out there in the big, wide world made especially for me. But I chose the wrong men; good men, but good for somebody else, good in the ways that I knew would hurt me in the end.  
At the time, I thought that I needed someone who lived a life identical to my own; that only through meeting an almost perfect copy of myself would I find happiness. I wanted someone who was more dedicated to their work than they were their personal lives, someone who would simply accept that they might not always be my first priority, someone scared and shy of love, someone who would always keep me pushed away. So much for 'opposites attract'; I was searching for my carbon copy.

Only now do I see how very right my Mum was, how every word of what she told me all those years ago is completely and utterly true.  
We grow up under the illusion that we know our own hearts; that we are somehow magically able to predict the person who we are going to marry, that the world will align with our hearts and our minds and we will fall passionately into their arms as we pass them by on our way to work. And yet, when you do meet the right person; the only person that you can ever imagine spending your entire life with, the person for whom your heart was created, they are never at all who we expect them to be.  
You can't describe your perfect husband or wife, you can't even imagine them, not until the day that you look into their eyes and see the love that you so ardently feel reflected beautifully within them, and then you know – not matter what – that you could never be truly happy with anybody else in this entire world.

I tell you this with the most sincere of honesty and belief in what I am writing; perhaps some people are able to predict the innermost desires of their hearts, but I don't think that to be the case.  
Never would I have imagined my life with Castle; my ruggedly handsome, blue eyed writer with an imagination to rival that of most six year olds, a man so truly open to love, so accepting of all its forms and not afraid of a single one of them, my opposite in the very best of ways.  
But, here I am, so wonderfully in love that sometimes I still have to remind myself that this hasn't all been a dream, and knowing wholeheartedly that Castle will, one day, be the man who I have the honour of marrying.

Love is unimaginable, uncontainable, and more often than not it is utterly unexpected. And they, I promise you, are the very things that make it so incredibly important to us.  
We cannot plan who we fall in love with; we cannot scheme and conspire to find ourselves the perfect fit, but rather, we can only live in the hope that one day we will stumble upon the person who we were always supposed to love, the person who somehow manages to perfectly fill the missing pieces of our hearts.

* * *

To be continued..

I'm sorry, again, for the gaps between these updates - but school really is taking up every inch of my time at the moment.  
I always planned to have this finished before the 24th, so keep a look out for a couple of updates on Saturday and Sunday :)

I hope that you are still enjoying the challenge days?  
Thank you for reading,

Katie

P.S. **Enquiries **is still running (I have half of an answer currently written - and will be updating it at some point this week), but please do keep sending in any questions that you have for Beckett.  
*If you are new to this story - please take a peek at **Enquiries**, it runs along this story as questions/answers between you - my ever lovely readers, and the Kate Beckett of my slightly AU world.*


	26. Day TwentySix

**Day Twenty-Six  
Something about yourself that you would like to change?**

I would, however odd it may sound, like to be able to feel the vulnerabilities that I have for so long kept locked away from the world; to embrace the fear and the desperation, to know that bravery and courage can be found in our acceptance of the things that terrify us the most.  
I want to know that bravery, to experience that courage – to live because of the things that make me feel vulnerable, not despite of them.

To be vulnerable is to be exposed; to be open to the wounds of life and the very things that make us quake and shiver with fear, unguarded and unshielded from the harrowing enemies that we face.  
But, I think that we often forget that vulnerability has another side, a better and brighter reality that all too often we miss out on entirely. The openness that we so greatly fear, that unveiled exposure to the world that we are all so adapt at hiding from, that is in itself the most beautiful thing that we can ever hope to experience. Vulnerability allows us to feel the greatest pleasures that this world holds; it makes us open to the bounty and the beauty of life, to the wonders that make the pain worth surviving.

I have found within Castle the strength and the love that I needed to make me realise just how very shut off from the world I had been; how withered and shy my heart had become after a lifetime of hiding it away, of fearing the emotions that made it flutter and flit and skip a beat.  
I know that I am not yet able to give up all of my defences, to live as Castle has done from the very moment that I met him, but I have made a promise to myself to try to be open to all of the goodness that it coming my way; to the people and the places and the situations that can only occur when you are vulnerable. To wish for the brilliance of life, and to openly accept the dangers that might be lying in wait as I do so; but, more importantly, I promise to face them not alone, but rather to ask for the help that I am sure to need when it all becomes a little too much to bear.

So yes, to be vulnerable is indeed to be exposed, but surely that is a thousand times better than the alternative? To live with fear and pain might seem like an impossible pursuit, but I promise you that living your entire life behind the tainted walls that we all build up around our hearts and our minds and our souls is a fate far worse. We aren't protecting ourselves; we just like to think that we are.  
Be vulnerable; be open and accepting of everything that life brings your way, and know that if you're not – if you're hiding and scared and living in darkness, it is never too late to late to become a lover of the light.

* * *

To be continued..

I cannot believe how close Monday is! (well, I won't actually get to see the episode until Tuesday afternoon, but I like to pretend that I am on the American time schedule, aha) Eeep, I am just so excited.  
I only have four chapters left to write of this story, so I hope to have them posted over the weekend as I am sure that fanfic will explode with cannon Caskett stories as soon as the episode had aired :D

Please let me know what you thought of this update?  
I hope that you are all still enjoying this story, and that Kate still seems like the Beckett whom we all know and love.

Thank you for reading,  
I will most likely be back later on this evening with day twenty-seven.

Until then,  
Katie

P.s. Please send in any questions that you have for **Enquiries**, as I intend to keep that story running for as long as there are questions to be answered :)**  
**


	27. Day TwentySeven

**Day Twenty-Seven  
Your day in detail (we all thought that a little break from the emotional turmoil was needed)?**

I woke up in the bed that is quickly becoming my favourite place to be, snuggled deep under the sheets and cuddled close to the man who makes it so very wonderful.  
It's almost winter now, but not quite. That sort of in-between time that somehow feels even colder than the December snow and February winds; rainy and miserable and made perfectly for languid mornings spent wrapped in the arms of Richard Castle.

I hadn't meant to stay the night at Castle's – although, I suppose that I never really do, it just sort of happens without either of us having to ask if it is ok; neither Castle nor I are ever ready to say goodbye at the end of the night, and it seems so silly to be alone and missing each other when we don't have to be.  
Alexis came home to spend the day with us on Saturday, but dragged herself back to college after dinner before Castle had time to convince her that a laser tag tournament and movie night were the best use of her weekend. My heart breaks a little for Castle each time that she goes back; the sadness reflected from his beautiful eyes betraying their smiling goodbyes, still not quite used to his daughter living her very own grown-up life. I can't even imagine how hard it is for Castle to let her go at the end of each weekend, but I like to think that I can help – to ease the ache of missing his little girl, to make the pain a little easier to bear.  
So I stayed another night, tied up in soft touches and deliberate kisses that still cause butterflies to flutter low in my belly, safe and warm and perfectly content to stay snuggled up within our very own little world for a while longer.

It was just before twelve when we finally made it out of bed and into the real world this morning, both heading to the kitchen for pancakes and a desperately needed cup of coffee.  
We ate breakfast at the kitchen island, listening to the Sunday morning radio and stealing blueberries and maple syrup off of each other's plates between kisses and easy conversation. Revelling in the knowledge that neither of us had anywhere else to be; that the entire day was still delightful ours and demanding absolutely nothing of us, not for a single second missing the Sundays that used to be spent at the precinct.

This afternoon we watched a film; the title of which I am not entirely certain of, yet another one of those end-of-the-world films that lend themselves perfectly to giant bowls of salty popcorn and the sort of kisses that should really only be shared by teenagers who have been left home alone for the weekend.  
But I suppose that, in some ways, that is how we feel; giddy and almost lightheaded with impetuous love, living without a single care in the world so long as we have each other. I know that it cannot last forever, that very soon we will both be forced to face up to the weight of reality and live once more as a part of the real world, but for now I intend to enjoy every last second of our teenaged dream.

I am, at this very moment, sat against the headboard of Castle's bed, listening to the steady run of the shower and borrowing his laptop for half hour so that I can write to you all.  
And as I do so, as I sit here and type out the details of my day, I am a little in awe of how easily Castle and I have fallen into a life of domesticity and lazy Sundays spent together. We might not officially live together, not just yet, but in the almost three months that we have been together I have come to feel more at home with Castle than I ever have with anyone else before – as if his entire life is a perfect fit for mine, and my own life for his. I sometimes feel like our individual lives have always been secretly knitted together, waiting for the moment when we both gave up the fight and admitted that our hearts were crumbling under the weight of living apart. That we are finally living the lives that we were always supposed to; lives that are filled with love and happiness and a thousand beautiful promises for the future.

* * *

To be continued..

I didn't quite manage as many updates as I would have liked this weekend, but to have this finished by tonight was always a little too much like wishful thinking.

I hope that you are still enjoying the story?  
I know that this chapter was all fluff and candy-floss ideals, but who would ever deny Castle and Beckett a little love for a Sunday afternoon :')

In case I don't get chance to say so tomorrow, I hope that you all enjoy the season premiere! I can't believe that Caskett is only a day away from being officially cannon - it's so exciting.  
I will be avoiding the internet until I have watched it after school on tuesday, aha.

Thank you for reading,  
Katie

P.s. If you get a chance, I would love for you to take a look at the one-shot I posted last night.  
It is called **Within The Hours of Make Believe**, and is filled to bursting with pure Castle and Beckett future-fluff.


	28. Day TwentyEight

**Day Twenty-Eight  
Define happiness?  
**

I used to think that happiness was just another slice of human emotion; fleeting moments of joy and laughter tucked in amongst the heartache, but now I see that it is something so much more than that; something bigger, something better.

For a long time I had forgotten what happiness truly felt like – I mean, of course I had felt happy, but that isn't quite the same. To be happy for a day, a week, perhaps even a month is one thing; to live in happiness is something altogether more wonderful.  
But in the past three months I have rediscovered what it means to experience happiness, to be a part of it, to allow its love and light to fill me entirely. To every day find another layer, to uncover all that life has to offer if only you allow yourself to enjoy the happiness; to live not in search of it, but because of it.

Sometimes happiness roars within our hearts; loud and messy and uncontrollable. The tornado of butterflies that tingle when we kiss the person we love, and the thunder bolts of laughter shared between friends and family at Charismas time. And sometimes happiness is so quiet, so shy and bashful that we almost miss it entirely, soft and calm and gently blowing in the wind. The sleepy Sunday mornings spent drinking coffee and making pancakes, and the soft grass between our toes in the heat of summer.  
Either way, it is something akin to magic; whole and good and able to repair even the most damaged of hearts.

And I suppose that is why I cannot define happiness with a simple word or phrase, because honestly I believe it to be the very thing that keeps this world turning, keeps us fighting for our right to be here. Even when we feel broken and used up by the world, it is happiness that keeps us hoping, longing, striving for the memories of how life used to be, pushing us towards the light and promising that there is still goodness left out there for us. Because yes, on the surface happiness is just another feeling, but that doesn't mean that it isn't also everything that we could ever hope for, true and pure and beautiful beyond belief.

* * *

To be continued..

I am so sorry for taking so long to update - I got a little wrapped up in After the Storm *oh, the feels!*  
But I certainly haven't given up on this story.

Thank you for reading,  
Katie

P.s. Just in case any of you are interested, I have started a canon version of **Enquiries **that is going to keep up with the season 5 timeline.  
It is called **Canon Curiosities **and can be found on my profile page.


	29. Day TwentyNine

**Day Twenty-Nine  
What advice would you offer to someone starting this challenge?**

Keep going, find the courage to uncover a little more of yourself with each day, and know that you will be better for it. It doesn't matter how silly you feel; how childish and foolish and utterly ridiculous you believe this whole idea to be. It doesn't matter how scared you are, how unravelled it makes you feel. It doesn't matter that you are sitting there with hands that shake and tears that threaten to fall, that you are willing yourself to delete the whole damn thing and pretend as if you never even set eyes upon it. You have to take those feelings and allow them to push you forwards; to carry on because of them, because deep down you know that you are strong enough to face all that this challenge brings.

There have been many times throughout the past twenty-nine days that I have doubted my decision to take part in this challenge, and some when I have regretted doing so entirely, but I promise you that the good outweighs the bad a hundred times over.  
Facing the truth about ourselves is perhaps the most difficult thing that we can ever do; to look into our hearts and our minds and our souls, to observe every flaw, every crack, every single detail of who we are - that isn't a task designed for enjoyment. But it is, in its own strange and almost haunted way, a task to be cherished; to be forgiven for the pain that it causes and loved for all that we learn. And that is what this challenge is, hidden behind questions of love and friendship, heartbreak and sorrow, it is simply a chance to understand yourself. To tear down those hideous walls that we desperately cower behind and face all that we have become; to soothe the ache of hiding from the world and welcome the happiness that can be found within a little vulnerability. So keep going, even when every cell of your body is crying out for you to stop, take a deep breath and just keep going.

And if it all becomes too much to bear, know that you are loved and that somebody will be there to lend you a shoulder to cry on.

* * *

I am so sorry for the absolute age that it has taken for me to update this story - I have been utterly distracted by season five!  
But I am trying my best to finish off every story that I currently have half written, and this was first on my list. I hope to have day thirty (the last chapter) written and uploaded at some point this week.

Thank you for reading,  
Katie


	30. Day Thirty

**Day Thirty  
Well done, you are one question away from the end of your challenge. Now, what have the past thirty days taught you – what have you discovered, what have you learnt?**

I started this challenge not through choice, but rather as a task set by my psychiatrist; an attempt to uncover what it was that I wanted out of life, to find the answer to a decision that at the time felt almost impossible to make. I thought that I needed to choose between two realities, _between two versions on myself, _and yet in the end I found my answers hidden between them both. This challenge has shown me so much more than the answer I was looking it; it has shown me that I possess the strength and the courage to be more than I ever thought possible, to live the life that once seemed too wonderful to be anything other than fantasy and fairy stories.

On Monday morning I am going to walk into the 12th precinct and sign the papers that will allow me to take back my place as Detective Kate Beckett, and I will do so with the certainty that it is what I want out of my life – at least, my professional life. Because I know now that I can do my job without becoming my job. I can fight for all that is good in this world, for the difference between right and wrong. I can speak for the innocent, for the victims, for the friends and family who have each lost a little of their hearts to the monsters of this world. I can strive for justice. But, for perhaps the first time in my life, I know that I can go home at the end of each day and leave it all behind. I can be more than the 12th and the murder board and the paper work. More than the men who haunt my past like ghosts in the night. I can be so much more. I can go out into the world without hiding behind the safety of my gun and badge; I can finally start to live.

I will be a Detective again, but never will I allow myself to forget that I am also a person. That I have a life made up of wonderful people who love me far more than I deserve, and who need me to come home to them, to forget work for a while and just have a little fun. I am a daughter, I am a friend, I am a lover; and I have made a promise to myself to always remember that.

I have learnt more about myself in the past few weeks than I ever had in the years before, and perhaps there would have been a time when that thought would have utterly terrified me, and in a way it still does, but now I see that to be a wonderful thing; an experience not to run away from, but to embrace, to enjoy, to treasure.  
Thirty days ago I started this challenge in the desperate hope of finding the answer to a singular decision, and yet somehow these odd little questions have shown me the answers to everything.  
I know that they are not entirely responsible for all that I have learnt, but they have helped more than I ever imagined they would. Never before have I been so certain of the existence of happiness; so filled by that indescribable feeling of love and joy and utter contentment that makes life worthwhile, and for that I will be eternally grateful.

So, as I write to you all for the last time, I would like to take a moment to thank each and every one of you for the parts that you have played along the way; for your support and your kindness, and for the love that has helped me through to the end of this challenge.

I suppose the only thing that's left is to say goodbye. I like to think that one day I will be back to write to you all again, to let you know that my life has become a messy jumble of my hopes and dreams, my very own fairy stories and happily ever after.  
But just in case I am too busy to stop by, I wish you all a lifetime of luck, and love, and happiness.

KB x

* * *

**End.**

****

So, there we have it.  
I can't believe it has taken me this long to finish.. I started out with the aim of thirty days, but got myself a little lost along the way, so I am sorry for that.

I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has read this story. It really does mean so much, and I just hope that it hasn't disappointed.  
Please do let me know what you thought?

Thank you again,  
Katie


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